We Punish Ourselves

No, Im not saying we're all sadists..rather, Im saying, sometimes, when bad things happen to you, who's first to blame? God?
God..why did this....?
How come .....?
If only I waited....?
Why not him/her...?
Why are you punishing me?
I used to be so sure that when I was in pain, it was due to punishment from God. I didn't believe that He took delight in it, but I still thought I deserved it. No, I had it all wrong. I believe God NEVER wants to see us in pain, in mourning, sorrow, suffering, doubt, hate....
The reason I've experienced a combination of such things is actually due to my separation from Him in sin. How can He protect me when I'm running away? And all this while too, I had the wrong idea about Him. That He was a punishing God. So sorry. I hated it when people got the wrong idea from me, from misinterpreting what I wanted to say...and I am doing the exact same thing to Him...of all beings. So sorry. So thankful that God's mercy is limitless. So grateful.